(posted Tuesday, August 10, 2004)

Salut Comrade Commissars!

In the past few days I have been accused of counter-revolutionary behavior, including reformism, disinformation, and pandering.  These charges were a surprise to me, a humble proletarian hero who has only sought to serve the Revolution.  In an effort to serve the party and the revolution I offer the following auto-critique:

It is true that as a young student I was under the influence of Proudhon and other Anarchists.  Ahhh....Paris in the 1860s---those were heady days!  Who didn't dabble in anarchism then?  I remember there was a young dancer named Anne-Marie who wore the finest silk.  I used to go over to her apartement near St. Germain and drink absinthe and smoke ottoman turk tobacco.  Sometimes we would go the opera....but I digress.  I assure you comrade commissars that I have purged my mind and library of anything anarchist.  Scientific Socialism!  That is the path of the Revolution!

It is true that I have met with members of the Freakshow, but that is only to try to salvage some of these hopeless gobshites.  It is true that  I met with a Juicer Chief by the name of Balthazar, and it is true that I agreed to be plugged into one of their "juicer machines" so I could "lick the volts and taste the current," and it is true that I went back to Balthazar a second, third, fourth, and fifth time to sit in the juicer machine, but was research comrade commissars!  I hoped to cure the freakshows of their addictions!

It is true that I have some pictures of some of our comrades in my apartement.  These are, I assure, you tasteful.  They serve only to remind me of the glorious sacrifices made by our comrades.

As for rumour-mongering I know nothing.  I serve the cause of the Revolution in to whatever capacity I am judged fit.  I follow the orders of the Party in the service of the proletariat to achieve the Revolution.