(posted Tuesday, August 10, 2004)
Salut Comrade Commissars!
In the past few days I have been accused of counter-revolutionary behavior, including reformism, disinformation, and pandering. These charges were a surprise to me, a humble proletarian hero who has only sought to serve the Revolution. In an effort to serve the party and the revolution I offer the following auto-critique:
It is true that as a young student I was under the influence of Proudhon and other Anarchists. Ahhh....Paris in the 1860s---those were heady days! Who didn't dabble in anarchism then? I remember there was a young dancer named Anne-Marie who wore the finest silk. I used to go over to her apartement near St. Germain and drink absinthe and smoke ottoman turk tobacco. Sometimes we would go the opera....but I digress. I assure you comrade commissars that I have purged my mind and library of anything anarchist. Scientific Socialism! That is the path of the Revolution!
It is true that I have met with members of the Freakshow, but that is only to try to salvage some of these hopeless gobshites. It is true that I met with a Juicer Chief by the name of Balthazar, and it is true that I agreed to be plugged into one of their "juicer machines" so I could "lick the volts and taste the current," and it is true that I went back to Balthazar a second, third, fourth, and fifth time to sit in the juicer machine, but was research comrade commissars! I hoped to cure the freakshows of their addictions!
It is true that I have some pictures of some of our comrades in my apartement. These are, I assure, you tasteful. They serve only to remind me of the glorious sacrifices made by our comrades.
As for rumour-mongering I know nothing. I serve the cause of the Revolution in to whatever capacity I am judged fit. I follow the orders of the Party in the service of the proletariat to achieve the Revolution.