Auto-Critique

From the Story Arc: In the Service of the Revolutionary Tradition

Next Story in the Arc: Interview with the Lancet by Communard (Wednesday, September 15, 2004)

(posted Tuesday, August 10, 2004)

Auto-critique



Comrade Commissars.  Over the past few days I have been accused of counter-revolutionary behavior, including reformism/anarchism and pandering disinformation.  These charges were a complete surprise to me, a humble proletarian hero who has only sought the victory of the Revolution.  I am not as perfect a servant of the Revolution and Party as I would like to be, and in true proletarian humility I offer the following auto-critique.



It is true that as a student in Paris I dabbled in anarchism.  But who didn’t dabble in anarchism in Paris in the 1860s?!  Ahh…those were heady days.  The new opera had just been completed and I had met a singer named Anne-Marie.  We used to go over to her apartement off the Rue St. Germain after the opera and drink absinthe and smoke her Turkish pipe.  On Sundays walks in the Bois…..but I digress.  I assure you that I have no such anarchist tendencies now, and I will have my tattoo surgically removed (a technology heretofore unknown to me) forthwith.  Scientific Socialism is the path of the Revolution!



It is true that I have met with the Freakshow on several occasions.  But comrades, this was only in the hope that they could be saved and brought into the revolutionary fold.  It is true that many of these meetings were with a Juicer Chief named Balthazar and that I allowed him to plug me into their “juicer chair of joy” so that I could “lick some volts and taste the current,” and it is true that I went back to Balthazar to sit on the chair a second, third, fourth, and fifth time….but comrades, this was only for research!  I wanted to understand the Freakshow addiction so that I might be able to cure it!  I will cease this research immediately and I will destroy the prototype chair I have constructed in the Red Brigade/CCCP science laboratory.



It is true that I have some pictures of some our comrades in my apartment.  I assure you comrades, these are tasteful, and their only purpose is to remind me of the glorious sacrifices of our proletarian heroes. 



Sadly, the last few days have shown not my revolutionary esprit is questionable, but that others we had trusted as comrades were deceivers.  I follow the orders of the Party in the service of the Proletariat for the glory of the Revolution!