RE: Lasers

(posted Saturday, February 03, 2007)

***Official CCCP Communication***
To: Krasniy Zakat
From: Re-Bear
RE: Lasers

Comrade Zakat,

As you may have noticed, your lab area on the Sanctuary is in a bit of disarray. This could partially be attributed to me. As you know, given my recent purchase of red shag carpet and crushed velvet wall-hangings, I have been remaking my cargo container into a 'Swinger's Nest' of sorts. It came to my attention the other day that perhaps I should cut my bedding into the shape of a heart, so as to woo the femine spirit under my faux-satin sheets.

So I borrowed one of your lasers.

You may notice the melted hunk of stainless steel that was your lab table. There were some foul-smelling beakers and things that shattered and evaporated fairly quickly in quite an explosive manner; those are now melted into the metal that used to be the table. You may also notice that one of your bookshelves was partially destroyed (the one with the big lock on the front). I found a charred half-copy of what I could make out as 'Eisenstein's Releatives' and a few ancient volumes regarding what I imagine being 'Quantum Phys-ed'.

This surprised me to no end. I too like the works of Eisenstein. Perhaps we could discuss Alexander Nevski sometime in the future, though we shouldn't discuss the book that was destroyed because it had too much math in it (who knew that filmmakers used so much math!). And physical education! My hipski friend, you were the last one I would assume would be interested in that! Maybe the Bear's perfect body has you worried about your marriage? If I were you, I would worry too! Again, too much math where a few diagrams would do.

Some other things were destroyed as well: Nemisis salvage, a decontamination suit, the documents on your wife's desk, the diplomas on your wall, and your wall itself. You may want to fix that. Also, I would recommend taking your cat to the vet. I'm sure the hair will grow back.

After using this deadly and unsafe laser, I decided not to use it to cut my bedding. After all, it was so unsafe and dangerous, I certainly did not want to use it around my own possessions. What if it vaporized my Hello Kitty bank? I would be distraught. I am happy to say I was able to contain the damage caused by your laser to your lab and remote living quarters. If we were not sailing in international waters, I would call the authorities. That laser is too dangerous to have on board.

Since you are probably saddened that your laser destroyed many of your old books, I stopped by the King's Row branch of the Paragon City Public Library and found some suitable replacements from their book sale. I picked up Sophia some romance novels with bears on the cover (not many. It appears that the ladies fancy fops more than rugged men.) I picked you up a guide to style and fashion from 1994 and a copy of The Bridges of Madison County. Hopefully this will compensate for the destruction your laser caused.

-Pavel