Apologies, Females

From the Story Arc: Stumble and Fade

Previous Story in the Arc: Last Date by Re-Bear (Sunday, January 14, 2007)

Next Story in the Arc: Fisher of Bears by Re-Bear (Wednesday, March 07, 2007)

(posted Saturday, February 10, 2007)


It has come to my attention that my method of trying to seduce the opposite sex has come under some criticism from the administration. As soon as I regain my ability to sit comfortably, I will try and follow some basic rules:

1) I promise to look up information on the CCCP database regarding date of birth and marital status of female heroes. I am not allowed to ask out any under 18, buy drinks for any under 21, or buy pills for any over 60, for purposes of seduction.

2) Married women will be off-limits, unless I think I have a good chance.

3) My direct superiors are off-limits, unless I think I have a good chance.

4) Members of the clergy are off limits. Unless they worship Gaia, then it's OK. But they usually have sasquatch legs and smell like herbs.

5) I will not impersonate a police officer, fireman, military personnel, doctors, lawyers, native americans, or shirtless bikers for the purposes of seduction.

6) I will avoid the Founder's Falls Proud Parade next year. It has been revealed to me that bear does not mean what I think it means.

7) I am not to bring members of villainous gangs aboard the Sanctuary regardless of how sexy and morally loose they may be. This includes Carnival of Shadows, Knives of Artemis, Skulls Girlfriends, and Ann Coulter.

8) I will wear pants in CCCP HQ at all times. Commissar's orders. I am sorry about that Petro.

9) I will refill any box of tissue that I use.

10) I promise to run a virus scan on any digital files I download. I will store them on what Comrade Zarya refers to as 'the sticky PC' in my container. I am not to use the central command computer (see Rule 8).