Christmas in the CCCP Kitchen

(posted Monday, December 15, 2008)

Instructions for making of Christmas stuffs

Comrade Althea Nagy

1. Chasing everyone out of my kitchen, dammit.
2. Taking inventory of ingredients
3. Discovering Pavel has eaten half the chocolate, one third of the nuts and all the raisins
4. Ordering more chocolate, nuts, and raisins
5. Removing from order condoms, whipped cream in nekuturny spray cans, and horrible spray cheese that Pavel has snucked onto order
6. Ordering more chocolate, nuts, and raisins because Pavel has eaten what was left
7. Putting lock on cabinets and refrigerator
8. Chasing everyone but Gremlin out of my kitchen, dammit
9. Having Gremlin chase Pavel out of my pantry
10. Baking of cakes
11. Sending half of cakes to Ms Dalles to store
12. Putting out one fourth of cakes for comrades. Pavel has already eaten remaining fourth
13. Baking of cookies
14. Chasing Pavel out of my kitchen, dammit
15. Sending half of cookies to Ms Dalles to store. Pavel has eaten other half.
16. Baking of more cookies for comrades.
17. Putting out three fourths of cookies for comrades. Pavel has eaten the rest
18. Baking of pies
19. Putting Murdocks on guard duty over my kitchen, dammit
20. Sending all of pies to Ms Dalles to store.
21. Remove weeping Pavel from kitchen
22. Have Gremlin chase Pavel out of my pantry, dammit
23. Ordering of vegetables
24. Cooking of vegetable casseroles.
25. Storing and freezing vegetable casseroles here. Pavel does not eat vegetables.
26. Ordering of potatoes.
27. Catching of Pavel and making him peel potatoes with Gremlin as guard.
28. Ordering of fish
29. Baking fish, storing and freezing, marked LOW FAT. Pavel does not eat anything LOW FAT.
30. Ordering of herring.
31. Making Russian herring salad. Sending to Ms Dalles to store. Beating Pavel with broom to keep him away from it as it goes out door.
32. Ordering of turkey and ham
33. Ordering of Comrade Tao and special squad to guard kitchen while making turkey, ham and potato dishes
34. Making of turkey, ham, and potato dishes
35. Removing Pavel from ventilation ducts
36. Having Waitron weld impervium grate over ventilation ducts.
37. Removing Pavel from Chimney
38. Having Aedan Murdock stand guard over Chimney
39. Removing Pavel from crawl space in ceiling.
40. Removing Pavel from crawl space in ceiling.
41. Removing Pavel from crawl space in ceiling.
42. Asking Comrade Tao to chain Pavel in his container.
43. Retrieving food sent to Ms Dalles
44. Serving all comrades but Pavel
45. Releasing Pavel when all comrades are full. There will be no leftovers.
46. Taking four Excedrine Migraine pills, one glass vodka and going to bed.