From the Story Arc: Bestla's Diary

Previous Story in the Arc: Vive le bon bon by Bestla (Tuesday, August 17, 2004)

Next Story in the Arc: Intimacy by Bestla (Friday, September 10, 2004)

(posted Saturday, August 21, 2004)

Something suddenly awake me.
Even in the darkness, I know someone is going out of my room. I can't mistake that imposing shadow, with any other shadow casted by a living man. I have to get up, while streching to grasp the wheelchair I hiss "Stop, please stop".
But the shadow is creeping away, almost fading before my eyes. I can't bring myself to scream, I won't waste my last chance to confront him alone, without Mojiotok, without Menace, without any other.
I fall to the ground on purpose, and start crawling to the door, from there I can see the spectre going down the corridor, at a slow but steady pace like he is taunting me, making a joke of my handicap.
So cruel.
I feel humiliated.
I am going to transform, and to rip him to shreds. The frenzy is already clouding my soul, shattering any trace of humanity and coscience, I just want to reach him, feel his soft flesh under my teeth, his ancient rich blood straining down into my throat, soaking my hair and covering my face like a gruesome mask. I want to feast on his innards, to raise his beating heart in my hand and scream to the moon "MOTHER, CAN YOU SEE ME? MOTHER, CAN YOUR SEE YOUR CHILD?"

With a strangled scream, broken from the agony of transformation, I wrestle with my nature to stop, struggling to keep my soul into my body. My head is exploding with lust and anger, but my heart can't accept I am going to kill him, to feed on him, my..

my Master

I don't care if it is going to cost me one, five,  twenty years of my lifeforce, I focus any iota of my energy in repairing the damage at my spine and legs. All my body suddenly cooled, I can't feel anyomore my arms, my head, the ground, the ceiling over me. There is nothing, only my heart pumping heat through my bones, to the spine. I don't even felt the time passing. The only sound I can hear is the beating of my heart accelerating, going faster, and faster, and faster.

I am burning my life out, I can almost see before my eyes the years I will never  live, the years the inner flame is devouring. Me at sixty, a white house by the ocean, reading a book while listening to the sound of the waves, waiting for that little boat to come back before the sunset. Faster.
Me at fifty, walking in the park with my husband, in the cold New York winter, secretly warming us both, in a cradle of gentle heat. Faster, MUCH FASTER
Me at  forty, my son, who draw all the day and don't study, who wants to be a painter, head full of dreams and monsters and heroes. My daughter in her room, studying for her exam in patology. Jadwiga helping her, and then coming down to take a tea togheter, chatting about nothing and being happy that way.

Me now.

I blaze through the park, so fast that the leafs don't even go on fire, leaving just a thin trail of cinders.
I hear that sound, an helicopter is close. Brings back memories. Of the time I was hunted like a rabid beast, all the way to my home.
I know that sound. Is the sound of them, the masters of my master. All my life is folding, collapsing into this single moment, the moment I reach him, and he, for the first time in my life face me like an equal.

"I want you to tell me what I am!"
"You can be what you want to be, Bestla. You are free now"
"No! I cannot be free anymore, you have devoted all my life to warfare, every single lesson you gave me, every single minute we have spent togheter was used to make me sharper, deadlier. I want to know what my purpose is now!"
"But I have set you free now, you have a life to live; I have payed your debt"
"I was raised in servitude, I .. cannot be free. I don't know how to be free anymore. I need you...
... please don't leave me anymore"
"Nonsense! Stupid child, is this the way you thank me? I sacrified everything to free you, and now you... YOU IDIOT!"
"Please, don't leave me alone. I realized you're the sole reason I am what I am. I devoted all my life to make you proud of me. You're my purpose. Have I failed you, Master?"

There's a stunned silence. The light of the dawn is coloring the trees around us.
He come towards me, and with a slow movement, stretch his arms to hug me.
I fall on my knees grasping his leg, I cannot stop crying. I am desperate
"Please don't leave me Master, I don't know what to do without you. I am lost"
His hand rests on my head.
"Don't cry Bestla, we will both be fine. I've lived a long, full life, I have no regrets now. Everywhere you'll go, people will always side by you, you have two things that no experiment can replicate, leadership and heart. You will find another pack, and lead them to glory"
"Please don't, please don't go with them. I am a sword with no master now, an useless weapon."
"I gave my word to them, Bestla. A warrior as only one word, remember?"
"... yes"
"Now promise me. Promise me you will lead your pack with honour and courage. That you will be fair with enemies, and a shield for your friends. That you will be loyal to your cause, and true to yourself. Promise me, as a warrior."
"I promise, Master"
"I set you free, Bestla of the Flames, you're your own master now. Be a guiding light for those who are lost, be what I always wanted to be, but coudn't."

While the helicopter is flying away to the east, his silouette blurred in the rising sun, I stand up for the first time as a free warrior.