The Trouble With Tailors

(posted Thursday, November 18, 2004)

'You must have official uniform on hand at all times for inspection!' Katya KGB read the words as drafted by Commissars Mojiotok and Red Saviour with an air of irritability. She was clearly not pleased with the order that had just passed before her eyes.

"I thought I had left behind the world of uniforms when I left KGB, but I suppose is good for unity. Still, I hate goinks to tailor. No matters how much time they take to make my measurements (is 30 minutes not enough?) somethinks always goes wrong." With that conspicuously foreboding thought in her mind, Katya grudgingly made her trek to the Icon store in Steel Canyon, all the while mumbling incoherent swears and oaths toward the day's business.

Katya pushed through the double doors, and into Icon's main showroom where she was meet by a rather, er, jubilant young salesman named Armand. "Oh, hey girl! You must be here to preview the new fall fashion! We just got the new AKRIS PUNTO and JEAN PAUL GAULTIER designs in. And girl, they are just to die for!" Katya's head was pounding from the never-ending speech of Armand, who was determined to put her in a sleeveless turtleneck or argyle cardigan.

"ENOUGH!" shouted Katya. "Do you take me for some capitalist dog, exploiting the slave labor of children for the latest fashion? Bah!" Armand shrieked back into a near childlike position. "I am here for to be fitted with new CCCP standard issue uniform. I believe you have design on file, nyet?" Armand meekly responded "uh, if by 'nyet' you mean 'right here,' then yes, I nyet have it right here."

Armand shuffled behind the counter and, with a panicked motion, grabbed an order form. After hurriedly taking Katya's measurement, Armand disappeared in the back, only to return moments later pushing a large box in Katya's direction. "Here you go girl, your new CCCP uniform. Try it on." Katya peered into the box, only to see a hunk of metal lying there. "Are you sure this is new standard issue uniform?" asked Katya. "Oh sure hon, it's the latest style too." Katya hesitantly headed into the dressing booth.

After what seemed to be an eternity, Katya emerged with a confused look on her face, for she was now wearing a large, rusting, spike-filled, "vest." And on her prized hat sprung forth a bright red mohawk. (see Katya KGB personal gallery for photo) "Armand, this no look right," said Katya. "Pshaw. You look gorgeous girl. Your receipt is the pocket, have a good day!" With that, Katya was quickly ushered out of the door.

"Oh well" thought Katya, "If is new standard issue uniform, I will accept it." Katya decided she would take out her mounting frustration by 'arresting' a nearby mob of 5th, but as Katya made her appearance her foes dropped to the floor in laughter. "What! You dare laugh at glorious standard issue uniform of CCCP!?! You will pay!"

The pattern repeated itself throughout the rest of the day, with all passers-by laughing in Katya's direction, until a moment of clarity breached Katya's mind. "Bah! This must be some mistake. No champion of the people would parade around wearing...a washing machine." Katya returned to Icon and quickly located Armand. "Hey girl, can I help you?" he asked with a puzzled look, clearly not recognizing Katya. "Da, I believe you have made mistake, this cannot possibly be new standard issue uniform of CCCP." Armand responded, “well, if you did get that hideous thing here, you must have a receipt. Check your pockets.” “I HAVE NO POCKETS!!!” shot back Katya, who then proceeded to use her illusion powers to manifest her anger. Armand again shrieked back into a near-childlike position. “Yes, I must have made a mistake, let me get you the correct uniform.”

Katya left Icon ten minutes later, garbed in the correct standard issue uniform of the CCCP. Having survived a most annoying day, Katya headed for the tram, content to return to headquarters for a hard-earned night of relaxation. As she reached headquarters, she encountered new comrade The Kremlin Gremlin, who immediately exclaimed “New standard issue uniform lookinks good Katya…but is button missink on front…”