Re-Assignment to the Red Brigade

(posted Wednesday, December 29, 2004)

"Kon govno," I yelled as I reached for my knee. "What in the hell is all of this?" I had just returned back from a place called New Orleans in the state of Louisiana and was much pleased in my two week vacation in "Cajun/Creole Country"...whatever that means. Walking into CCCP Headquarters, the first thing I met was a chair, who gave my knee a good welcome home bruise. It had been turned over onto the floor and left there.

I looked around the front entrance of the HQ and wasn't sure I was in the right building. The place made a pig sty look hospitable. Beer bottles, Mountain Dew cans, twinkie wraps...all over the damn place!! "Red Brigade," I muttered. In my short time in the CCCP, I've gotten to know several of my co-members quite well, some of which are in the Red Brigade. I've always thought them to be pretty squared away, but something made me wonder about this. It was that fact that right before I left I heard Comrade Khruschev mumbling about how rowdy they were under his breath as he cleaned his gun and again as he shot the crap out of a wall in a back alley near the HQ.

As I trudged into the room, I felt like I was walking through a shallow bed of muddy water because of all of the trash on the floor. The first room i encountered was the living room where Commisar Fei Li, Commissar Red Saviour, Zach, Carpathia, Ursa Minor, Gato Rojo and Soviette were all sitting in, or around the sofa staring adamantly at the new television set Commissar Saviour had just purchased. "Oh Bobby!" "Oh Jill!" It was soap opera day. The constant, love struck whining coming from the television made me want to upchuck last week's chicken and sausage gumbo. "Hey Agn, how are you," Zach said looking up from his seated position on the floor just long enough to notice I was there. "Uugghh...," I muttered incoherently as I walked out of sight and to the sleeping quarters. Inside Commissar Kostyak, Bestla, and Heavy Brother sat around the other television and played videogames. "I OWN YOU MOFOS," Heavy Brother stood up and shouted securing his dominance over Bestla and Kostyak in head-to-head, Need For Speed Underground 2 racing. "What it is brother," Heavy Brother asked me with a smile. Shaking his hand, I just smiled a little, then walked over to my bunk. Kostyak looked at me, then at Bestla and shrugged at my silence. Khrushchev was over on his bunk, cleaning his gun as usual. I nodded to him, not wanting to disturb his seclusion. Comrade Untermensch was dancing, in his boxers might I add, to some fast-pased German techno music not too far from Khruschev's bunk. Commissar Mojiotok and Red Star were sitting over at a table in a room adjacent to the the sleeping quarters talking about new material to add to Mother Siberia's class sessions.

I placed my luggage near my bunk and removed my jacket. I put on a old shirt and old jeans and shoes and headed over to the kitchen. I got all the cleaning materials I could muster and began scrubbing and cleaning all around the HQ. Five hours later, I was done. I trudged back to my bunk and laid down on my bed, falling face first into my pillow.

Then, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bestla. "You know Agn, you look pretty dirty and icky. How gross!! Haven't you heard of a shower? You make this place look dirty!" My eyes widened and I stood up staring at her with fires burning in my eyes. As she stood staring back, unperturbed, I walked past her and to the locker room for a shower. "Agn," she yelled, "Why do you smell like pine sol?"

I began to think to myself that the Red Brigade needs a touch of discipline and militaristicism to it. Later that evening, I requested a transfer to the Red Brigade through Commissar Red Saviour. Maybe I can bring some class to this rag-tag group of rowdy leftists.