Vivisections and ice cream

From the Story Arc: In the Service of the Revolutionary Tradition

Previous Story in the Arc: OOPH by Communard (Tuesday, April 26, 2005)

Next Story in the Arc: Gratuity by Communard (Tuesday, May 17, 2005)

(posted Thursday, May 05, 2005)

Research and Development Report and Funds Reimbursement
Voucher (submitted in triplicate)

Submitted by: Communard
Test subject: Comrade Chug

Hypothesis and Purpose

Neural excavation will dramatically increase the power of
comrade Chug thus increasing the safety of the Paragon
Proletariat

Equipment

Bonesaws and calipers

Procedure

Comrade Chug was brought into the laboratory and told not to
eat any equipment. He was breifed about the purpose and risks of
the experiment. He was given several ice-cream sandwiches and
a coloring book. At 0900 Communard began the neural excavation.
Chug's skull resisted penetration by bonesaw and all subsequent
power tools available in the CCCP/Red Brigade lab. Communard
then tried to scope a small garden hose through Chug's nasal
cavity. The hose penetrated a few inches and was obstructed by a
semi-flexible, rubber like membrane. All efforts to the penetrate the
membrane failed. Similar efforts through Chug's ears also
encountered the membrane. The procedure was made more difficult by
Chug's giggling and laughing. A spontaneous display of affection
resulted in several bruised ribs for comrade Communard.

Equipment and Procedure Modification

Neural excavation was then attempted using fuzzy logic nanoprobes. These
were sprinkled on several ice creams cones as "glitter" and fed to
Chug. A nano-suppository was also introduced.

Data Analysis

Telemetry from the nanoprobes has been received. The data are rank 3 psycho-
neural transmissions on the Freinhauffer scale. However, the source of
the data does not appear to reside in comrade Chug. Rather, the psych-neural
transmissions are mobile in the King's Row district. The breakthrough has
been achieved. The nanoprobes liberated a reified ego instantiation and this
inchoate consciousness is now in a perambulatory dream state. As this consciousness
develops the telemetry will converge with Chug's location. Subsequent
testing with coloring books demonstrated signficicant improvement over Chug's
previous performance.

Conclusion

The experiment has been deemed a complete success. Chug will be
monitored carefully over the next several weeks (N.B. Comrade Chug did say
"I luv my freindz and missed youz." Did any comrade take Chug on a trip
recently?). Comrade Chug appeared distracted during the experiment, no doubt
because of the attempted interruptions by several comrades. Comrade
Communard requests $523 in reimbursement for equipment and material.

===================
Transcription of Research and Development Report: Test Subject, Chug

BEGIN TRASCRIPT:

(sound of a microphone feedback and of a male voice with a french accent, male 1) Very good, Chug. Speak into this part here. This other small apparatus attached to your head will record thought patterns and transcribe them to this machine for documentation.

(sound of another voice, male 2) I hungry.

(male 1) We will feed you later, comrade

(male 2) Wut dis machine do?

(male 1) As I earlier explained, it records thought patterns so that I can better determine effect of neural excavation. Think a thought. Comrade.

I hungry...

(sound of printing, and paper being rustled)(male 1) Ah, were you thinking of eating, comrade? That is what is being recorded onto this sheet here! Non! (sound of paper rustling) Do not eat the paper, Chug!

(male 2) Sorryz.

(male 1) Just sit and relax while I continue with these experiments.

(male 2) Okies.

I like crayons. I make picture of squirrels. Den maybe I make picture of my hamster, George. I hungry. I wanna go outside. It real nice day. Maybe I go to da park. I got a rubber ball I found in da garbage. I play wiff da ball. I wonder why Communard drillin in Chug. My head real tuff. I hungry an I wanna go outside. It real nice day. Oops. Da metal drilly thing break an Communard saying bad stuff to himself. He not supposed to say dose words. I draw gray squirrels and brown ones. Hee hee. Dat saw thingy tickle Chug's head. Ugh. Dat broke too. Communard not happy cuz he frowning lots.

I hungry. He stickin sumtin up my nose. Ugh... I dink I gunna sneeze. Hee hee it tickles little bit

(male 1) Hold, still comrade I will attempt to use some gentle pressure to insert this apparatus further inside your nasal cavity.

(male 2) Okiez.

(A series of loud bangs can be heard)

I dunno why he use da hammer cause it still stuck in my nose and I really got to sneeze now. Ugh. He take it out now. Dat lots better. It make my nose all itchy. I hungry. Hee hee. Now he sticking sumtin in my ear.

(male 2) Dat tickles lots.

(male 1) Comrade Chug, hold still. I will use some gentle pressure to apply this probe.

Hee hee. Now he try an hammer dat stuff in my ear. Dong! Dong! Dong! Dong! I a big bell! Hee hee. Dat tickles. I give Communard big hug cause he play tickle game with Chug.

(male 2) Chug loves you and all da pepulz in CCCP lots

(male 1) Non! Comrade Chug! (voice is extremely strained) Can't...breath....comrade....please...stop....

(male 2) Okiez.

I dink I draw sum more. I draw little birdies on the branches of Mr. Tree. Dat make him really happy.

(male 1) Comrade, I am thinking that it would be time for a small treat. Would you care for ice cream?

(male 2) Yum! (sound of crunching and slurping)

(male 1) Non! Comrade Chug is not to eat entire bowl. Only ice cream... bah! I think it matters not. Comrade, please stay in chair and continue coloring. I shall return shortly.

Yum. Dat real good. I like ice cream and I like cookies and I like tires and I like twinkies and I like lots of stuff. Dis fun. I dunno wut I gunna draw. Maybe I draw Communard cause he have funny hair. Or his friend Mr. Smoky. Ugh... my tummy not feelin so gud. Maybe if Chug gud I get sumting to give to George so he can play in his cage. Maybe I get annoder ball that George can run around in. I dunno wut happen to da last one. Ugh. I dun feel so gud.

(sound of retching) (male 2) Bleah...

Ugh. I get sick in da sink. I feel better nows. Maybe I run sum water and it wash away.

(sound water running)

Der. Bye bye, icky stuff. Maybe he not notice. I hope he not mad at Chug cause I get sick and I make mess. I like ice cream. I dun know why I get sick. I hope I get more ice cream. I try real hard an be gud an maybe I gets more.

END TRANSCRIPT