Directive From Cuban Party Officials

(posted Friday, July 23, 2004)

Comrades, I have received a communiqué from Cuban Party officials. They have been monitoring progress of Red Brigade and CCCP and have held great admiration of both our team's accomplishments . However officials have received word that many conversations amongst ourselves recommended some relaxation and fiestas where alcohol is consumed . (I myself have no idea how they could have discovered this. Were such conversations monitored by United States intelligence agencies? Maybe we should again make attempts to sweep local housing for any bugs or other conversation recording equipment.)

 

Cuban officials have stressed that Comrade Chug imbibe no alcohol in any form. They have provided news clippings of an event I myself remember. Fortunately no one was hurt in this incident, but such a scandal might bring our efforts from our respective countries into a bad light with American public. Cuban officials recommend offering Chug's favorite snack of milk and cookies instead.

 

Compatriot Hero, KV-85

 

(( Newscopy from La Nueva Cuba:  

August 4, 1999

 

Famous Cuban Hero Helps Round Up Escaped Animals!

(Photo of Chug carrying an Elephant on his back)

 

Thursday afternoon several animals from the National Zoo mysteriously escaped in a mass exodus . Animal handles were frantic to recapture several large animals that managed to get out of their outdoor pens. El Chug, with members of the Cuban military, arrived shortly after the incident was reported to security officials and aided in capturing the animals. No one was injured in the incident and the animals were safety returned to their cages. The head zookeeper was at a loss to explain how the animals were able to get out of their pens and in some cases of the outdoor exhibits, traverse 10 meter walls.

 

In the zoo's history, there has only been three incidents where an animal has escaped. In all cases an especially wily orangutan named, Choco, was been the culprit . Many consider the 13 year old primate to be the resident escape artist and one of the favorite zoo's exhibits for several years.

 

August 5, 1999

 

El Chug, the Russian Hero, Responsible for Releasing Animals from National Zoo.

(Photo of Military Official, General Alfonso Ramirez speaking at a podium.)

 

Further investigation from authorities has found the explanation for the mysterious escape of several animals from the national zoo. Apparently, the Russian superhero, El Chug was the individual responsible for opening several of the cages and helping other animals escape. "He was crying, walked up to the gorilla cage, and ripped the bars right open," said a zookeeper, "It was absolutely frightening. And then he jumped into the giraffe exhibit, wrapped the legs of one of the big females over his shoulders and jumped over the wall." El Chug returned and managed to release all 9 of the giraffes the zookeeper continued, each time crying and wishing the animals to be free. Over 13 exhibits were either forced open or the animals carried over the walls of their enclosed exhibits.

 

"This is the first incident where such an event has happened," General Alfonso Ramirez explained in a public announcement this morning. "Officials in Russia have stated Chug has never been involved in such behavior before. We think the entire matter is just a simple misunderstanding." El Chug has been a hero for Cuba since 1990. Russian officials have allowed his 'immigration' to Cuba after nearly a decade of service in that country. His true origins are unknown.

 

August 6, 1999

 

El Chug Released Zoo Animals In Drunken Stupor!

(Photo graph of Chug slumped over a table in a cafe. Several empty pitchers surround him.)

 

"He just kept drinking and drinking," explained a waiter, "and pretty soon he just got up and stumbled off. Next thing I saw was a hippopotamus wading in the fountain." El Chug in a drunken fit was responsible for releasing several animals from the National Zoo last Thursday. After his first ever visit to a zoo, El Chug apparently was upset that animals were kept in cages.

 

Juan Hernandez, a waiter at the Havana National, explained further. "He seemed upset that they were in cages. I guessed he thought animals in a zoo just walked around freely. So, I thought I'd make him feel better by giving him a banana daiquiri ." A simple gesture of friendship to the hero that helped Cuba in the past turned ugly. "He just gulped it down, so we thought he'd like some more in something a bit larger,” Juan continued, “ Pretty soon we was drinking the daiquiri pitchers like bottles of cola . "   When Juan saw animals i n the street shortly after El Chug left, he called in to the national authorities. "It did not take long to put two and two together," said Juan .

 

Military officials were dispatched to the National Zoo, and El Chug's assistants were able to quickly calm down the distraught hero to explain the situation. El Chug then helped the military and zookeepers round up the escaped animals. "I think it wise next time for citizens of Cuba not to offer El Chug any alcohol," General Alfonso Ramirez explained in a telephone interview , " Apparently he may suffer erratic behavior if he consumes to o much."