Geraldo

From the Story Arc: The Bearer of Strashnyjj, Strashnyjj News

Previous Story in the Arc: Commotion by Commie Cowgirl (Wednesday, February 15, 2006)

Next Story in the Arc: Evil! by Commie Cowgirl (Sunday, February 19, 2006)

(posted Thursday, February 16, 2006)

Rolling.

GERALDO RIVERA: This is Geraldo Rivera for Fox News. After a slight misunderstanding about trespassing and the right to bear arms, I’ve gained an exclusive interview with Ms. Oksana Fedin, known to many as the CCCP’s Commie Cowgirl. The world was shocked recently at the sudden death of beloved cowboy actor Kurt Taylor. Ms. Fedin was romantically linked to Mr. Taylor, and it is our understanding that he changed his will to make her the sole beneficiary of his estate.

Thank you for speaking with us, Ms. Fedin.

COMMIE COWGIRL: Da. My attorney advised me to give interview to someone, to make nice. You were only pesky reporter with the gumption to shoot back at me.

GR: Yes, well, ah, I… Thank you.

CC: Shore thing, pardner.

GR: I realize today has been a horrible shock to you. You and Mr. Taylor were very close.

CC: Ayup. He was my cowpoke.

GR: Hollywood is mourning with you today.

CC: They are? I reckon that’s right neighborly of ‘em. I met a few of his Hollerwood compadres, but they seemed like pansies to me. Nice enough, I guess.

GR: And now you’ve inherited his fortune, making you an instant multimillionaire.

CC: So they tell me.

GR: Will your life change in any way? Will you still fight crime with the CCCP?

CC: Shore, why not? That’s what I came here fixin’ to do, tovarisch. This town ain’t big enough for me and… varmints, whoever they are.

GR: Yet you are an avowed Communist. Doesn’t that make you a hypocrite?

CC: Shto?

GR: What?

CC: What did you just call me?

GR: A, uh… isn’t it hard to reconcile your ideology and your newfound wealth?

CC: Hmm… I guess you got a point, pardner. Just mind yer manners. Maybe I start horse ranch for young socialists.

GR: That’s very admirable. Ms. Fedin… why, yes, that is a handsome pistol. Ahem. You and Kurt were only a couple for six months. How do you answer your detractors who claim you’re just a golddigger?

CC: Who done said that?

GR: Well, you know. Media commentators, pundits…

CC: They here right now?

GR: Please, Ms. Fedin. I’m not sure we can assuage the police a second time. My reputation only goes so far…

CC: Consarn it! How come folks gotta be so ornery? I done lost my man. It ain’t polite to backtalk to a widow.

GR: I agree completely. Especially when the cause of death is so… tragic.

CC: Heart attack, ayup.

GR: After a wild night of passion, the police tell me.

CC: I reckon that ain’t anyone’s business but me and Kurt’s.

GR: Of course. May I ask your plans for the future?

CC: Well, I figure I got a few days of mournin’ to do. Then I’ll forage around for a new feller. You got a wife?

GR: Ah…Yes. Yes, I do, a lovely wife.

CC: Your cameraman’s a likely feller. I don’t see no ring, neither.

ADAM STEIN: Excuse me. Oksana, we have a situation. I’m afraid I’ll need you inside.

CC: I gotta mosey, Geraldo. You been a plumb horosho gentleman. Give a holler if you get a yen to go shootin’.

GR: Goodbye, Ms. Fedin. Geraldo Rivera, Fox News.