Ulyana Santiagovna Shostakovich

(posted Saturday, August 12, 2006)

Born to Natalya Nikolaevna Shostakovich and Santiago Ferrar, August 12, 2006 at 4:38 am at NN Burdenko Central Military Hospital after two days of labor.

The FSO, overseeing organization of the CCCP, has agreed to pay American $250,000 in damages to medical equipment incurred by Commissar Shostakovich, whose system resisted all painkillers and tranquilizers. Dr. Artamova expects a full recovery from the broken ribs sustained during the birth. In spite of her injuries, she was able to supervise the birth in its entirety.

Baby girl and mother are recuperating at the military hospital under heavy guard from terrorists and criminal parties after a death squad was found dismembered in a house near the newly purchased suburban Moscow home of the couple. For reasons of security, Commissar Red Saviour has not announced the location of their new home.

Commissar Red Saviour released a statement lauding the patience and daring of the hospital staff, who had to work "under battlefield conditions, no thanks to me." She further acknowleged the support of her comrades and American friends.

Mr. Ferrar, in a rare moment away from his wife and daughter, conveyed to the press that Ulyana has "her mother's eyes and temper." He would not answer any questions about whether the baby possesses superhuman ability. Mr. Ferrar is not known to be a metahuman, and Commissar Saviour is reputed to have acquired her powers through magical ceremonies performed on her by the Fifth Column.