(posted Thursday, September 14, 2006)
::To: MTV Studios::
::RE: MTV Cribs::
Comrades at MTV,
I am a big fan of your television programs, such as Assjack and Prostitute My Car. Given some interesting, yet extremely classified, events in my life, I believe that you should film a special episode of MTV Cribs featuring me, Re-Bear, an accomplished crime fighter in Paragon City.
I realize that I am no Dre Dogg or 50 Ruble, or a famous athlete like Le Bronco James, but I believe that I am hip it and with it enough to provide you with viewers! HA!
The small problem is that my current 'crib' is a freight container in an undisclosed location. Your camera crew would have to be blindfolded, transported in an unmarked plane or helicopter, and given a full cavity search by a robot (with very cold hands, I know that for a fact!).
The lighting in my undisclosed location is very poor, so you would have to carry extra equipment. The acoustics are bad too. All equipment would have to be confiscated and examined prior to and after filming.
If anyone should be able to track me to my undisclosed location, the safety of your crew would be comprimised. i would not be surprised if they were tortured and killed for information.
Anyway, let me know when you would like to begin filming. I would send you a picture of myself, but they are all classified until further notice.