When Trouble Calls...

(posted Friday, September 29, 2006)

From the phone records of the CCCP:

***
Receptionist: Hello, Paragon City ASPCA. How may I help you.

Re-Bear: I have question about cats.

Receptionist: Please hold.

Music plays

ASPCA: How may I help you?

Re-Bear: Greetings comrade. I have a question about cats.

ASPCA: Yes?

Re-Bear: I have been doing much research on mating habits of cats. It says that the male cat has short spines on its... dangly bits... that scrape the walls of the girl cat's womanhood to make it more amenable to breeding. Is this true?

ASPCA: Yes, that is a fact.

Re-Bear: Horosho! I am in luck then, though my spines drip a small amount of neurotoxin. This may cause quite a bit of discomfort.

ASPCA: ....

Re-Bear: Do you think 5-gage wire may be an appropriate substitute?

ASPCA: Are you planning on having intercourse with a cat, sir?

Re-Bear: Do not be presumptuous! I would buy her dinner first. What kind of a man do you think I am?

ASPCA: ::click::

***
Bella: CCCP Headquarters, Commissar Belladonna Aura here.

PCPD: Hello, this is Detective Schwab at the PCPD investigating a prank caller from this number.

Bella: Excuse me?

PCPD: Prank caller, Miss. It would seem that somebody has been using this number to make a prank call to the ASPCA. We frown on these behaviors and do not find bestiality funny in any way.

Bella: I understand your concern, Detective. We do not take it lightly either. If you'd like, I can do some investigating as to the source of these calls.

PCPD: Thank you. We'll keep the case open and look forward to hearing from you. Good bye.

Bella: Good bye, Detective. ::click::

***
Ole Miss Athletic Department: You have reached voice mail of the University of Mississippi Athletic Department. Our office is currently closed. If you require assistance, we are open from 9 to 5 Monday through Friday. Otherwise, press 1 to leave a message.

Re-Bear: This is a warning to the various coaches of the 'football' program who operate under the guidance of an old spinster. You must lose to LSU. If you do not there may be stern repercussions in the future should you ever come to Paragon City. I have a certain lady-friend who would be crushed if her beloved Bengal Cats would lose to you filthy Rebels! I have worked under Stalin and know how to crush an insurrection. Consider yourselves warned. ::click::

***

Bella: CCCP Headquarters, Commissar Belladonna Aura here.

Sheriff: This is the Rankin County Sheriff's Department. We have received a complaint that a threatening phone call was made to the University of Mississippi from this number.

Bella: This is the second complaint tonight I've gotten about this. I think that somebody has been hacking the phone network, trying to get us in trouble. Even though we're good guys, there is an awful lot of anti-communist sentiment in Paragon City. I have launched an investigation.

Sheriff: We don't take very kindly to physical threats. If you find anything out, let me know.

Bella: I will be sure to do that. I'm terribly sorry. ::click::

***

Receptionist: General Mills, how may I help you.

Re-Bear: I need to speak with your commanding officer immediately!

Receptionist: Pardon?

Re-Bear: Your commanding officer, the General! General Mills!

Receptionist: Um....

Re-Bear: if he is not in, just say so. I will speak to Captain Crunch if the General is unavailable.

Receptionist: May I ask what this is in regard to?

Re-Bear: I need to get in touch with one of your employees, Tiger Tony. I am trying to impress one of his kind and could use his advice.

Receptionist: ....

Re-Bear: You are not being much help. Has Tiger Tony finally succumbed to diabetes?

Receptionist: ::click::

***

Bella: CCCP Headquarters, Commissar Belladonna Aura here.

Officer: This is Officer Malone, Battle Creek Police Department. We have traced a prank call back to this number.

Bella: Not again...

Officer: We have a reports that a Russian man was asking to speak to General Mills regarding Tiger Tony. We take these kinds of pranks very seriously.

Bella: As do we officer. I know who is responsible, and as soon as I can find him, he will be reprimanded. I apologize for the trouble Officer Malone.

Officer: No problem, Miss. Just wanted you to know what was going on. Good bye.

Bella: Have a good day. ::click::

***

Bella: Pavel, are you in the base?

Re-Bear: Da, Commissar.

Bella: Please come to my office.

Re-Bear: Right away!

Bella: And bring stationary.

***

END OF PHONE LOG