(posted Wednesday, October 25, 2006)
***RANK - TOP SECRET***
To: Commissar Belladonna Aura
RE: Mustache Rides
I have recently seen a T-shirt offering 'Mustache Rides' for 25 cents. Since I have a mustache, I thought I may try to undercut the pricing scheme of these Amerikanski mustache transportation providers. Although I have yet to do research on this topic, I am hindered by a single problem: I have no vehicle.
Since I am unable to drive, I will simply walk the citizens of Paragon safely to their doors. I guess you could say I am an 'escort service'. Though I am aware that this is not exactly a 'ride' in the conventional sense, they could hold onto my back as I leap from rooftop to rooftop. This would be tiring, so my business cards would have to say 'Escort Service: Mustache Rides Available Upon Request'.
I approached a woman corner of the King Garment District in King's Row. She appeared to be cold, and, after assessing that her scant clothing was not a proper hero costume, I offered her an escort. The shocking truth was that she wanted me to pay her! She said she would give me a job for 20 dollars, and I replied that I already had gainful employment. I then offered her a mustache ride, free of charge. She pulled out a knife and threatened me for expecting 'Freebies'. I do not know what a 'freebie' is, so I stabbed her with a toxic dart and sent her to the Zig. She may have been an Arachnos agent.
Please let me know what you think of my plan.